The Bachelor is back, and everything just feels right, if also slightly annoying.
While we were at first unsure of the choice of Arie Luyendyk Jr., who was Emily Maynard’s runner-up a million (or five) years ago, we have to admit we’re here for it. We’re not saying “Peter who?” quite yet, but we are intrigued. So far, Arie’s got a nice, disarming smile, and he doesn’t seem like an attention-grabbing jerk, which is always a great start.
Tonight’s premiere was just like every other Bachelor premiere for the most part. Arie got some advice from Catherine and the apparent King of The Bachelor, Sean Lowe, and declared that he would love to have what Sean and Catherine have. He even held their baby for a minute, just to get that fatherly imagery in there for us.
Then we met a few women as they worked, lived, and strolled along bridges or beaches in flowy dresses. One girl is a ukulele-playing taxidermist, but first up was Chelsea, who seemed fine here. She looks a bit like the legendary Olivia Caridi (of Ben Higgins’ season), but she’s a single mom who’s happy to know kids aren’t an issue for Arie since Emily Maynard was also a single mom.
Chelsea was then one of the first to disembark from the limo, and she cryptically told Arie, “there’s a lot to get to know.”
“She’s…interesting,” Arie said as she headed inside the house, and it was anyone’s guess as to what kind of interesting he meant in that moment, or not, because clearly “interesting” was a new word for “hot and mysterious.”
From what we saw, she was a bit nasty. She referred to Bekah as a bitch just for showing up in a fancy car and declared that no one else was any threat to her, which is always the sign of a really fun and cool gal. (Though we will say 22 year-old Bekah’s “I may be young but I can still appreciate a classic line” did feel rather rude.) Chelsea was the inevitable time-stealer of the night, grabbing Arie before his welcome speech was barely finished, and interrupting a time or two again.
She claims she’s not a rude person, but we would like to disagree. She was not pleasant, giving other women weird advice and nicknames like “the one who makes all the noise” just because she showed up revving an engine. She whined about having been interrupted (which is how this game has always been played), but then went and interrupted someone else to get a second slice of time with him. She returned to the other women and announced that she got more time with him, and that he was just the same charming Arie he was when she first talked to him several hours ago.
“I had no idea some of you hadn’t even met him yet!” she cooed innocently.
But of course her unpleasantness was only for the other women. Arie’s first impression of her was so good that she got that damn rose.
And as disappointed as that makes us, there’s a few ways this could go. On the last three seasons of The Bachelorette, the guy who got the first impression rose ended up winning. Andi Dorfman gave hers to Nick Viall, who went on to appear in like 4 seasons of this franchise. On Nick’s season, Rachel Lindsay got the first impression rose, and she became the Bachelorette. But Ben Higgins gave his to Chelsea’s look-alike, Olivia Caridi, who went on to be left on a windy beach.
Whatever ends up happening, it will undoubtedly be very dramatic, and it will most likely involve Chelsea using the word “mama.”
All the Chelsea drama aside, he best part of the night was when all the women realized how many of them are named Lauren (four!). We Laurens tend to come in multiples, so it’s not such a shock to us, but Bekah’s jaw dropped like the cocktail party had just been canceled. How could all the non-Laurens possibly compete? Why couldn’t everyone have been named Lauren?!
Technically, statistically, there is a 4/29 (or now a 3/29) chance that a Lauren will win the season and/or become the next Bachelorette, while most other names only have a 1/29 chance, so perhaps they’re correct in freaking out. Meanwhile, we’ll be here on Team Lauren rooting for our remaining comrades.
Honestly, not a bad way to start 2018, though is it just us or is the phrase “Can I steal him for a sec?” even more embedded in your brain than it normally is?
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.